Something that makes me want to change…
I used to be a stoic person (just like the emoticon show on my laptop on the image above, when it turned into the “blue screen of death!”). I believed that the man should not involve any emotion and able to endure all of the pain. I do not know from where this understanding exactly comes from. It is feeling good in the beginning, actually. I felt like I do not need to care about so many details and do not need to involve any emotion when deciding something. Sound cool, right?
In my case, this principle has to lead me to become a person who rarely smiles and not as gentle that I used to be. I can imagine that if people see me as a colour, it will definitely grey. Gloomy and neutral (no offence to you guys who loves grey colour). I started to lose the emotional participation to certain events. I was faking my facial expression where I should cherish something. Then, I become less grateful, less compassionate with others and not gentle at all.
In late 2020, I realize that maybe it is not wrong to look at how a better person (in my perspective) behave and having an attitude towards occasions in life. I chose to learn from Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him/pbuh). I read some articles regarding these. I start to learn about his biography & history (called Sirah Nabawiyyah). In my opinion, even though you are not Muslim, maybe you should try to understand his story. I mean… Is there any person in the world that his sayings and behaviours (called Hadith & Sunnah) in his life are well documented? Muslim scholars have selectively collected the sayings or story related to him for years. Imam Bukhari (one of the Islamic scholars) have found around 200.000 hadith from the different narrations/source, but he only wrote those which already confirmed based on reliability (around 7.000 hadith). He was very selective because he realizes that the wrong hadith will be read by so many people in the future.
Enough of introductory, let's get started!
I will remember this day! Monday, January 18th 2021, in the evening. I felt so desperate. I even hated my self at that time. I checked the email using my lab computer. I have subscribed to a newsletter from Hadith of the Day before, so every day I received a hadith to be read. Then lead me to this article:
If you are not comfortable to go to another website, no worries! I will write my review reading this article…
The article discusses the manhood by the example of the Prophet (SAW). Prophet (SAW) means Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). Firstly, the writer shares her sister experience facing the harassment and violence done by men to a woman in public. There was no shame from the men and even the people around did not try to interfere. The people around just watch and see what happened. So Ironic… then what is the definition of manhood in this era? Should a man become stoic and not expressive when seeing these kinds of events? I know that maybe this is too extreme as an analogy but even deeper, how a man should behave in his family or community?
The first discussion: Are crying means weak for man?
I will directly cite from the article: “… One of the most common definitions of manhood today is the lack of emotional expressiveness. It is almost universally believed that to cry is ‘unmanly’ and weak. And yet the Prophet ﷺ described it very differently. When the Prophet ﷺ was handed his daughter’s son who was dying, his eyes flooded with tears. His companion Sa`d then told him, “What is this, Prophet of God?” He ﷺ said, “This is a mercy that the Almighty has made in the hearts of His servants. And surely God has mercy to the merciful ones among His servants.” [Bukhari]”
I will say, the man whose sayings and behaviours were very well documented by scholars was crying! The empathy ability is actually the sign of manhood. Being good conduct in the family is the sign of manhood. Can you imagine that if a person who just simply flat, showing no condolence or else for his family whose in sorrow? Is that person worth to be called as a leader in the family? I realize that empathy may become the source of will.
The second discussion: Are showing compassion/emotional not manly?
From the article: “But today, a man is not only expected to hide feelings of sadness, he is taught early on that even other emotions are not to be expressed. During the time of the Prophet ﷺ, there were some men who believed the same. Once while a villager was present, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ kissed his grandsons on the forehead. At that, the villager said with surprise, “I have ten children. I have never kissed any of them!” Prophet Muhammad ﷺ looked at him and said, “He who does not have mercy will not have mercy upon him.” [Bukhari] In fact, with regards to showing affection, the Prophet ﷺ was very clear. He said: “If a man loves his brother in faith, he should tell him that he loves him.”[Abu Dawud]”
The fact is that the Prophet (pbuh) once kissed his grandsons on the forehead. Is this something a big occasion? Of course not! But how many grandfathers/fathers/mothers out there not brave enough or choose not to do this? Even during this occasion, the village around Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) also not getting used to this (just like some part in our community). Far more than this, he said: “If a man loves his brother in faith, he should tell him that he loves him.” [Abu Dawud]” (Note: [Abu Dawud] means “narrated by Abu Dawud”). Love, in this case, is not like love that a man/husband feels towards his woman/wives, of course. They love each other as a brotherhood. Because they always motivate, help and advise each other. It is wonderful! So this is an addition to our definition of manhood!
The third discussion: Are being bossy in the family not manly?
Let’s change the pattern of the answer here! The answer is YES! It is stated: “The Prophet ﷺ used to also help around the house, contrary to another widely held myth of masculinity. Aisha reported, “The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ used to stitch his clothes, milk the goats and help in the chores inside the house.” [Bukhari & Muslim]”.
Helping around the house is manly too! Maybe this is not that different from today's standard of manliness in the home. Usually, if the roof is broken or the car is broken, man will deal with this issue. As stated in hadith above, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) even used to stitch his clothes and help in chores. A real man will not let his wife overburden with the housework. A real man will treat and honour his wife as best as he can. Indeed, the occupation is the main responsibility for man, but this doesn't mean that the husband should leave all other things to the wife.
Last discussion: Should man being romantic?
“…The Prophet ﷺ used to also show a great deal of affection towards his wives. Aisha reported that the Prophet ﷺwould only enjoy his meals when she would sit next to him. They would drink from one cup and he would watch where Aisha would place her lips on the cup so that he could place his lips on the exact position. He would eat from a bone after she would eat from it, placing his mouth where she had eaten. [Muslim]”
No further discussion for this part, right? At this time I am still single, so maybe anyone else should discuss regarding this ✌️. It just… I learned about this, hope that my future self and my wife will have a chance to read this part of the article together, Insya Allah (means “If God wills, it will happen,”)
Oops, I forgot another thing to discuss: Is it okay if a man becomes gentle?
In the article, it is wroten: “…But, perhaps one of the most common myths of what a man should be is the idea that a man should be ‘tough.’ Gentleness is widely considered only a feminine trait. And yet the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “Allah is gentle and loves gentleness. He gives for gentleness what He does not give for harshness, nor for anything else.” [Muslim] In another hadith, he says, “He who is deprived of gentleness is deprived of good.” [Muslim]”
Suddenly, I remember my favourite athlete of all time, Muhammad Ali. Once he said: “Will’s pretty for a young man — but I’m even prettier for an old man,” Ali said of his biopic doppelgänger, actor Will Smith. “When I was his age, I was twice as pretty”.
Hello! This is the Greatest of All-Time (GOAT) in boxing history and strives also speak up for black communities! No need to doubt his manliness. Period 👊
In the end, I just want to say that this is the first time I try to write on the medium, which is Medium (#uncle joke 👴). Hope that this writing will make my belief even stronger, help me to relax, develop my English writing skill and relieve anxiety. Last but not least, help me to change into a better version of my self. If you have any comment, knowledge or inspiration to be shared, please let me know.
Tainan, January 18th 2021
Muhammad Fadhlan Afif
